How To Take Over The World
by Sakina the Fallen Angel
Summary: (In a nutshell) Yami Bakura’s debut on his memoirs. Read on to discover what makes him so evil, and share in his knowledge of world domination. Just don't steal any of his well thought out plans, or he may have to send you to the Shadow Realm!
1. My Intro

Heyas, Sakina's back! I hope you like this; it's just a random idea which popped into my mind whilst I was dreaming about Bakura... Well, read and review please! And tell me if you have any ideas!

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How to take over the world!

(In a nutshell)  
by Yami Bakura

Being a Yami is so very depressing. Not only are you totally dependant on your host, you also have to put up with their stupid moral conscience! And the worst thing of all is, you have to accept that one day, my dear Ryou Bakura will no longer be around- he shall cease to exist, being the foolish mortal he is, and I? Well I will be lost, buried deep in the heart of the very tombs that I so enjoy plundering, adrift through the very sands of time, until some new foolish mortal strays upon my humble abode.

It is then I shall be free again. May it be the mercy of Ra that I shall not have to suffer enduring another painful existence with some kind hearted moralistic baloney, who is good, and kind and naïve and everything I'm not! Bah, you get the idea.

But in the meantime, I shall enlighten some of you foolish mortals on how I achieved immortality, and some of my copyrighted plans- I repeat copyright- on taking over the world, and how to rule it as a tyrant.

So I have prepared some memoirs, which may be of later use to you when you are considering world domination. If you do succeed, just remember to devote a country to me- Egypt would be nice, not one of those tiny wannabes that don't even make it on the map.

"Yami! What are you doing, you promised to listen to me this time, and I would like to go for a walk, instead of listening to you go on about your boring plans!" The avatar of Ryou enters our shared mind, and gazes around innocently, twiddling his thumbs. "The air is fresh, it'll do you some good. And why have you decorated our mind with darkness again? I told you, I don't like it, and it is certainly not very friendly."

Ye gods, Ra! Why hast thou forsaken me?

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So, whaddya think? 


	2. Being Evil

So, my dear readers you have chosen to carry on reading this dark tale of my memoirs, well, meh, your choice!

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"Shh! Yami, I'm trying to do my history homework-it's in for tomorrow, but I spent the whole evening duelling you so if I don't get to finish it, it's all your fault!" Bakura rants, head bowed over his sheet of questions.

"My dear Ryou," I purr, "If you want to know why America won the Civil War, or who really was the first to discover America- big hint, not Christopher Columbus, then you should just ask me."

"Not Christopher Columbus?" Ryou looks stumped, but on catching the evil smirk on my face, he adds, "Why should I listen you?"

So I prepare for one of my dramatic speeches. "Because I have lived through the greatest achievements in technology, witnessed the most magnificent structures being built, and watched the bloodiest of wars being fought. I was there when Alexander The Great conquered his lands, I was there to witness the mighty Pharaoh's downfall, and I was there at Area 51- the big conspiracy the government tried so unsuccessfully to patch up. Now, if you don't mind, I must work." And with that, I retreat into my humble abode, the portion of mind Ryou does not dare tread without his light for guidance.

Now where were we? Ah yes, my triumphs and tribulations that I faced on achieving the eternal state I am now in.

So you want to take over the world? Well, this is a task not for the lighthearted. To be successful, you need motivation, a driving force behind you to keep you going-a desire for revenge helps. Being evil helps.

To be truly evil, one must be able to define the term. Evil is what is deemed as morally wrong, but who decides what morals are? Is it so wrong to steal…I mean permanently borrow a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?

Bah, I'm not very good at this, but I do have the origin of the word- old English _yfel_- ultimately from an Indo-European word meaning 'exceeding due limits'. Now what could that mean? No matter, I have a quotation that I can perfectly envisage the Pharaoh in:

"The three grades of character are superior, medium and inferior: the superior is just good, the medium is capable of development either in an upward or a downward direction, and the inferior is just evil."- **Han Yu** (768–824), Chinese writer and poet.

Yes, this man knows what he is talking about. I can just picture it now, Yami, the _superior_ insufferable righteous Pharaoh, with his godly ways and…grrr! Moving on.

Now then, tip number one:

Evilness should be nurtured from a very early age. Hobbies such as playing with sharp sticks (well whatever you foolish mortals use now to inflict pain) or other assorted weapons are to be encouraged, as is the art of the politician, which has become more refined throughout the ages- that I know- lying! Also youths should take a healthy interest in plundering, methods of torture, the business world and the welfare of animals. A truly evil child should torture a sheep to death, slowly and painfully, rather than chop it's head off- capital punishment is banned in many countries, however torture still exists in some corrupt governments.

And how do I know all this? Well let's just say I persuaded Ryou to take a tour around the modern world. Hopefully traces of my influence will remain, enabling access to top-secret government material…

Gah, it is time for my weekly appointment with Ryou's barber. Better get going. What? I can see you looking at me in a deranged manner. Oh right, the barber thing. Well, how else do you think I get my hair so perfect? Hair gel? (Scoffs)

"Yami, I hear you bragging about your hair again. Does that mean you need a new tub of hair gel?"

Bah, curse you Ra!

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What do you think, then? R & R!!! 


	3. Military Tactics

Gosh, I didn't realize how many people actually liked this! Well, it's been a long time, but here we are, courtesy of Sakina productions!

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Chapter Three

"Life's like a var-iety bucket!"

"Ryou! Cut out that incessant wailing! I am trying to think!" Adverts are just getting more bizarre these days, and more and more people are being brainwashed by the box, when they should be out plotting how to overthrow the milkman, or the gang leader. Meh, it leaves less competition for me, for when I am finally bound by no shackles, the world shall feel my wrath!

_It's OK mom, it must be terrible being married to a sla-ap he-ead!_

I have spent five Millennia in relative peace and quiet, and now this!

I shut the door to my soul room, aptly redecorated in midnight black- Ryou wanted blues and rainbows, but I told him that he could go to the Shadow Realm for all I care. I mean, how is it going to look: I am one step away from Supreme Overlord, I have the whole world quivering at my feet, and then someone discovers that my humble abode is covered in…rainbows and fluffy bunnies? No, I cry, erasing the image from my mind, this scenario will not happen.

Go for the popularity contest. After all, the more people you have on your side, the easier it is to persuade complete strangers to accept your propositions. Plus, when you have two grinning bodyguards flanking your ranks, then how can they possibly refuse?

Once you have a considerable number of people that will lay their lives down for you, then that is what is called an _army_, in military terms. Make sure they are completely loyal- what better way than to use the Millennium Rod, which I _will_ acquire some day- then storm government buildings, taking control in an instant. "A multitude of evilly disposed people stir up strife, just as a crowd of mosquitoes can make a noise like thunder."** Sima Qian** (145?–90? BC), Chinese historian. I particularly like that quote.

Personally, I'd prefer to take over the world using my own wit, than to hide behind an army of mind slaves-

"Bakura! No one wants to hear you go on about something you didn't even accomplish!"

Ryou pushes open the door, throwing in a shaft of light.

"Argh! The light, it burns!" I screech, throwing a blanket of darkness over me.

"Don't be so melodramatic," Ryou replies, and shakes a tub of popcorn at me. The sweet sickly scent of the kernels is almost too much for my poor senses to take! "Your favourite movie is about to start."

"Oooh," I moan groggily. "What is in that poison you humans eat?"

"Hmmm," Ryou checks the side of the tub. "Sugar, glucose, kernels…and fructose. There may be some lactose but I am not quite sure."

"Get it away from me!" I moan, pushing the tub away. "I need to get onto the next tip- motivation!"

"Take a break, Bakura," Ryou says and drags me out into the hideous light to watch Bambi- I mean, The Lion- no, no, no! Scream- that's it!

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So, what do you think? If you have anymore ideas on insane and wacky ways to world domination, let me know! 


	4. Random Schemes

Sorry it's been a while folks- I've been updating my other stuff and had a case of the dreaded writer's block!

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Chapter Four

The world is like an orange, I have found. Get past the tough exterior and you're into a territory of ice- sharp and acidic at the same time, sometimes with a sweet tang. One wrong squeeze and whoosh! Juice in your eye! The most excruciating burning sensation there is, apart from getting kicked in your lower regions, but that hasn't happened to me in a long time, on account of me being dead and not possessing a body…apart from this one.

Anyway, I have decided to start my memoirs a little earlier today-

"Shut up, you ostentatious twit! It's five thirty seven in the morning, and I want to get back to rescuing myself from the pink-"

Yes, a tad too early, but there is nothing like going outside to watch the sun rise. Of course, I can't do this in my mortal body, but the astral view is just the same. A brilliant explosion of orange and red hues, birds singing in the breeze and the sound of music ringing in the hills!

_Silence._

OK, the last part is from the Ra-damned musical…shiver…so, so happy…way too happy…I made Ryou burn the small shiny disc Julie Andrews possessed. Ha! Now she is in the Shadows, where she can sing as she pleases, only there will be no one to hear her!

"Look, you clueless Yami, just shut up and go back to sleep. Why can't you be normal like the others?" Ryou's shadows falls across my soul door. There are bags under his eyes and his snowy hair has been tousled into cute…no (!) d-disgusting ringlets!

"One," he says and yawns. "Call it a DVD! Two, it is not possessed by Julie Andrews, and even if it was, wouldn't you want to know what she is doing to your beloved Shadows? Introducing bunny rabbits and rainbows would be interesting, yes, but somehow I don't think it is your style."

I pale. Holy Ra! After a quick dash to my realm I see that it is still as gruesome as ever. Ryou was lying then. He will have to pay, but not now.

Anyway, back to my memoirs. I always find that being able to slip out of my body is a very handy attribute, particularly as this allows me to listen in on top secret conversations and the like.

It is really quite simple to take to the astral plane; even you mortals should be able to do this. All you need to do is to enter some sort of trance, not illegal substance induced, mind, just you know, your ordinary tribal trance. After that you should find slipping away a breeze.

But for the rest of you that prefer a more…shall we say secular approach, I would say stick to your poisoning the prime minister or assassinating the president plans. They have probably all been tried and tested before, but here are a few different methods to achieving world domination.

Use genetic engineering to create a flower that produces pollen that causes people to fall into a trance, losing their willpower and enabling you to control them.

If that doesn't work, then create a mutant sheep that sings "Baa-Baa Woolly Sheep" and will multiply like crazy, driving everyone insane. The world will be begging you to exterminate them. Or, you can just use them to spread Mad Cow Disease…no…Foot And Mouth Disease…or some biological sickness that kills people. If that doesn't work…then there is always the children…yes…the children!

Yes…muhahahaha! In the next chapter, I shall discuss various ways of obtaining power through the disposal of those that are in charge, i.e. the despised President, or the more notorious dictators. Do not disappear, fellow mind slaves!

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Sakina: Whatever Bakura! Who thinks he will actually succeed in his zany schemes? 


	5. Chapter Cinq

Yay, finally updated!

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ChapterCinq

"Bakura, please can I have my body back?"  
I burn a hole in his chest with my icy stare.  
"Pretty please?"  
Ra dammit, I've had enough. I let the pathetic Hikari child have control of the body, and sit back to watch as he falls out of the tree.  
"Oh, did I forget to mention that I was up a tree?" I say innocently.  
A glare back. I guess I have had that one coming.  
"And…I was about to throw my breakfast at the Ra-damned Pharaoh."  
I suppress a smirk as a bowl of something cold, grey and slimy drops onto Ryou's head. Understandably, Ryou howls.  
He will be occupied in the bathroom for a good twenty minutes now, so I will have plenty of time to detail you on my latest plans for world domination. I pause.

"Yes, Ryou will need to wash his hair out," I sigh resignedly.

_Silence._

"Yes, he uses Head and Shoulders no dandruff." I shudder. Personally, I think the porridge makes him look better- slightly rougher, more on the wild side, slightly gloopier too…

Anyway, I must get back. I plunge my soul room into darkness for a more effective scenario. I chuckle heartily, points of my Millennium Ring jangling and glinting. My two demon eyes flash, and in the gloom, eerie music plays. Scared yet?

Now then, I mentioned last time that I would talk about disposing of dictators, but frankly it is a lot harder than it looks. Plus, the success rate of said operations has a little something to be desired.

I mean, take the Gunpowder Plot. How hard can it be to blow up a friggin' building when the only point of resistance is a person wearing a poncy heart who has an extendable sharp weapon of short range? There weren't even any Millennium Items involved. Let me tell you, if it were up to me I would've done it much more stylishly.

To save the expense of hiring a basement, why not enslave a few souls and have them to dig you a secret tunnel? Then, instead of using as unreliable and as volatile as gunpowder, have something much more trustworthy- the good ole Hydrogen Bomb, clean and effective. Of course, acquiring one of those might arouse suspicion so the simplest way of assassination would be to just shoot the Ra-damned Pharaoh…I mean dictator on the spot. After that it is up to you. You can either run away, alerting everyone to you as the traitor, or you can point the blame on someone else.

There are so many things I could say about the JFK assassination- it really puts me to shame how I never stayed behind to check up on the last minute details. You know, the ones where you suddenly remember you left your ID card by the fountain, or you forgot to bring your gun with you. I should've frozen their souls on the spot- the lousy incompetent excuses for an assassin. But by then I was in Hawaii doing the hula and waiting for my success to be announced on live television. I couldn't show my face for ten years after that one. If anyone were to find out-

"Find out what?" Ryou interrupts, emerging from his soul room whilst he dries his locks with a towel.  
"Erm…nothing as such…erm, just talking about-" I blather, flailing around for a lifeline.  
"You know, you really need to brighten this room."

Then it hits me like a sack of carrots. My face contorts into a wicked grin; Ryou backs away slowly.

"I meant if anyone found out about the _spider_ I left in your towel, Ryou-kins." I say slowly and deliberately, grin spreading wider, eyes alight in a maniac fire. I wait for the crème de la crème.  
"Arrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" A high-pitched scream shatters my eardrums, but I hardly notice for the cackles escaping from my lips as I roll around in my bed of thorns, positively in tears!

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How was it? 


End file.
